Tod Blog

On a warm evening with a slight breeze blowing through the outdoor Elizabethan Theatre in Ashland, Oregon  I sat amidst 1200 of  my fellow Theatre goers.   I’ve heard stories of “Our Town” by Thornton Wilder:  how if it isnt done right,  you will be bored to tears, or worse yet,  fall asleep. 

 It was my third and final day in Ashland,  and I was tired.   I already sat through 4 very long, yet extremely enjoyable plays.  By this time my rear end was numb,  my back aching,  and neck strained.  Before the play started,  I thought that if it turns out to be the boring play I’ve heard about, then I’ll just head back to my hotel after the first Act.

But the very second the “Stage Manager” walked on stage and started talking to the audience, I was hooked.  As the sun went down and the stars started shining above the play progressed into a poetic beauty of rhythm, spirit, sadness, and joy of life.  The play is divided into 3 acts:  Daily Life,  Love and Marriage,  and Death.  All in all, this play is about enjoying the little things in life.

The most visually striking moments take part in the third part with all the dead sitting in the graveyard, clad in grey looking up at the stars. It creates a sense of wonderment, awe, relaxation in body and spirit.  As I look up into the open sky and see the stars,  and the almost full moon beaming down.

I was in the post-play haze as I walked out of the theatre.  My mind recalling the beauty layed out before me.  When all of a sudden I see a mama deer and her baby just strolling slowly down the main street of Downtown Ashland.  That’s all it took!  For me,  I was on a quest to discover myself,  who I am, my purpose in life.   In that short time I saw a culmination of life, love, beauty, God’s blessings,  all summed up in one image of a  Doe and her baby strolling in the moonlight through humanity.   That’s what it is all about.  It’s about here and now. It’s about enjoying the little things in life.  Wake up,  take notice and enjoy the life you have now, for it is very short.  God made this world for you and me,  It’s a  gift,  cherish it,  Thank Him for it.  

Many thoughts and emotions went through my head and spirit at that moment.  I could not hold back the shivers, the tears that filled my heart and soul.  Tears of all emotions came through, a sadness,  a happiness, a grief, a joy all combined into one cleansing of the soul.   I will hold on this moment for ever.  I see life as a gift,  a journey.  I want to live, I want to give. I want to love.   That’s what one night at the theatre did to me.

Seven months ago I started a journey into the world of Internet dating.  At that time,  I felt my life has finally reached a point of awareness and purpose that I have never felt before. So I needed to take the next step:  finding my soul-mate.   I was so naive.  I did not know how I was going to accomplish this, and at the urging of friends and family I subscribed to a popular Internet dating site.   Soon,  my Inbox was filled with matches, upon matches.    I soon thought,   this is easy.  I started to sort through all the matches and was quite picky on what I wanted. I reached the stage of “open communication” with about 2 women,  and hence,  no spark.  Then soon enough,   I found a spark.  And what was unusual about this one, was that she was totally, completely different than all the others that I have been matched with.   In a sense,  that’s what drew me in.     She is a sweet, caring, compassionate, extremely attractive young lady.  

We exchanged emails a bit and went out about 4 times, and for a few weeks started a rather interesting, unique relationship.    But there was one problem:   I could not relax and be “myself”.    I tried way too hard to be someone else.   To be someone that maybe she wanted me to be.   For the first two dates,   it was fine,  and rather enjoyed our time together.  But the more and more I got to know her,  the more and more I knew less about myself.   Of course,   this relationship, as it were,  would not last.    Resulting in her saying that we just did not mesh well and I did nothing wrong.   

 I feel  I did do something wrong.  I was not true to myself.    It’s been over a month since the last time I talked to her,  and for the last few weeks I would diligently peruse my matches looking for that same spark I got, when I first read her profile.   Out of the over 100 matches that I have gotten since then,  they all fall into a pile of the mundane.  Soon all the profiles seem like they are written by the same person, over and over again.   It has got me thinking:   Do I really know what I want?   Do I really know who I am?    Right now I’d say no!   What do I want?   I don’t know.     Who am I?   I don’t know.    If the “scientific”  matching of eharmony and Chemistry.com is not working,  than my profile is flawed.    I was not true to myself in writing the profile and filling out the personality surveys.   I just filled it out with answers of who I want to become, not who I am.     

 So what do I need to do?   How do I discover me?   How do I rediscover my existence?  Do I need to talk to God?  Or do I just continue on living?   I know I’m floating down the river of life,  I just hope I can find my love, my heart, and my soul along the way.   For I am without at the moment.

This is why I love living in Seattle,   all it takes to get here is a 35 minute drive and a two hour hike.   Mt. Si.

 A couple nights ago,  I felt like getting out of my stuffy home, and decided to see the latest Pixar offering,  “Wall-e”.   And let me say,  this is a beautiful movie.  One of the most pleasing, enjoyable animated flicks I have seen in quite some time.  I was expecting some sweet little story with the typical Pixar humour  catered for just the kids.  But this movie is deep on so many levels.  Most striking is the visual feast the animators lay out for you.   From the abandoned city with skyscrapers of trash to the mesmerizing ballet of the two main characters, Wall-e and Eve,  dancing through the cosmos.

I won’t mention what the movie is about, it is something that you should discover on your own.   This movie has the visuals,  a stunning musical soundtrack,  sound effects, and a ton of  heart and soul.   You’re kids will love it and any science fiction/animation/movie loving adult will love it to.  Check it out,   I most definitely have to see it again,  to see the things I missed.

As some of you are aware,  a few months ago decided to try out online dating with Eharmony.com.   It began as an experiment to see if I can find “the One”  through online dating,  since nothing else was working for me at the time.   I found someone from this site and we have dated a few times, only to find out today that it will just never work  between us.   I’m still a little curious as to why Eharmony matched me with her,  as she is completely different than any of the other matches they sent me.   And that was what intrigued me in the first place.   That is what sparked my interest in her: a smart, passionate, down to earth young lady. 

I should tell you about my dating history.  Up until a few weeks  ago I haven’t dated anyone in quite a few years.  She did not understand why or how it is possible for a guy like me could go so long without dating.   I tried to explain to her many reasons,  but what it all comes down to is “I just don’t know”.   I will admit I had  short relationship with someone years ago, fell in love, and then felt the pain of heartbreak.   So for a short time the pain was too deep and painful,  and a feeling that I never wanted to experience again.  What can I say,  I was young, emotionally immature.  So I put off dating,  scared to approach a crush,  and indeed there were many.  It came such the norm that my life was put into a “comfortable” pattern:  I wake up,  go to work,  come home,  play my piano, my video games, watch tv, and go to bed.   Let’s just say I wasn’t much of a risk taker.  So when I reached that magical age of 30,   I saw that my life needed to change.  So I went back to college,  intent on getting a degree,  no room for dating.   I got my degree and found a good job,  again no room for dating.   Now, as I got settled into this job,  my life was settling into a norm again,  and I finally saw that it’s time for me take some risks.  I want to get married,  I want to have a family.  But how?   That’s why I decided to try online dating.  It seemed like a good way to ease myself into the dating realm.  I had high hopes and fantasies.  I believed that  I would find the girl of my dreams, and it would be magic from the moment we met.  I can honestly say I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I do watch too many movies and read too many books.  Question is:  does there have to be magic from the moment you first meet?

I only ask, because when I met her a few weeks ago,  I didn’t feel the magic.  We talked and talked,  and said our goodbyes and a rather awkward hug.  I knew after that night we had differences.  Political,  emotional, spiritual.  But she was “in” to me!  My big mistake was letting it go any further.  Because she wanted to see me again, and I was eager to see where this would go, so I guess,  I tried too hard to become someone whom I am not.  I tried to change for her. I did some silly things,  just to be with her.  I did develop  crush on her,  and had a multitude of feelings for her,  because I was willing to overlook our differences and really wanted to make it work.  I wanted to take that risk of getting hurt and invest my time and feelings for her.  What else could I do?  I was new to dating.  It was unfair for me and unfair for her that we continued on, even though I really enjoyed our short time together.  

So now I find myself all pent up with emotions and anxiety about a girl whom I only dated 4 times and exchanged a few phone calls and emails with.  Now do I regret going out with her?  Not in any way.  I have learned so much the past few weeks,  it has given me a chance to really search deep inside myself and discover who I really am,  what I believe,  what I want out of life, and who I want to be with.  There is a little hurt and ache in my heart right now,  but I do know tomorrow the hurt will be less,  and on the next day it will stray even further away from my soul. 

So, where do I go from here?  I go on living.  Do I stop dating?  Heck no!  I’ve discovered the joys, pleasures, emotions, thrills of dating.  I am now more eager than ever to discover the girl of my dreams.  She is out there,  and only God knows who shes is,  though I really wish He would tell me.

Looking for a nice little bistro for good food while in Redmond, Wa?   Go to the Pomegranate bistro.  You won’t be disappointed.   I’ve been there a few times already and the food and service was outstanding.   With a menu that changes every season there is always something new and some things that stay the same.  My Favorite is the tomato soup with White Cheddar grilled cheese sandwich.   The soup is hot and with a touch of peppery goodness that makes you want to dip your sandwich into it’s creaminess.    I also tried the  portebello mushroom curry dish, and it is to die for.   An explosion of taste and texture that will deilight any mushroom, curry loving person.    Along with their extensive wine collection are a few signature drinks such as the Pisco sour, the Pomegranate martini, a coffee martini, and a peppermint martini that smells and tastes like a peppermint patty.  

So guys,  grab your girl and take her to a nice, and relatively inexpensive dinner.   She will enjoy every bit of it.

Oh,  okay,  I should mention that I discovered the Tomato Soup and Grilled cheese after some advice from  a couple coworkers.   Are you happy now,  Jen? 

It’s been only two weeks away from home,  and I’m itching to leave the sweaty armpit of America known as Florida.    Literally itching!   Thanks to the nasty sunburn I acquired from the Saturday trip to Daytona Beach.  Life was good here in Orlando,  having a blast,  the show I’m supporting here is going off without a hitch, and then I had to go the Beach.  Don’t get me wrong.  I absolutely loved the beach. Havent had fun like that since I was a kid.  But oooh boy did I pay for it.  A full body sunburn.  I was achin  bacon, crispy critter, a red hot chili pepper. The three days of pain and suffering made me realize:  I want to go home!   Sleep in my own bed,  breathe in the cool dampness of a Seattle morning.  Heck,  I miss the rain! 

Most of all I miss my piano.  If you know me  music is what keeps me sane.   Without it I’d go crazy,  so guess what I’m using as an adequate substitute?   Guitar Hero!  It has pressing buttons and using both hands to accomadate the notes to a rhythm.  So it closely mimics the action of playing a muscial instrument.  You can still let your body and soul get into the songs.   That’s why I love that game.

The worst part about being away from home is being away from loved ones.   I don’t see them that often, but the thought of being 3,000 miles away from them feels so far away.  Knowing that they are close eases the mind and soul.